I never thought having a family would be so bloody tough.
In the lead up to our wedding, I feared the horrendous period pain I suffered would ruin our day, so we decided to start trying for a family. 2 years later when nothing seemed to be happening, a gynecologist sent me for a laparoscopy finding extensive endometriosis.
6 months later, I was in severe pain again and couldn’t get through a game of hockey without a stabbing rib pain. A second opinion with another gynaecologist who specialised in endometriosis, led to my second laparoscopy finding it had even grown across my diaphragm. I was given 6 months to recover then recommended to start IVF. We started IVF with two failed transfers. It was expensive, tiring and it was so hard juggling working in the country with needing to be in Perth every second day for ultrasounds and bloods. I found myself parked on the side of the road on the way to Perth injecting hormones. I was in Perth every second day, I lost count of how many km’s I did.
I took time off for a second egg retrieval and thankfully our 3rd transfer was a success. I had the loveliest pregnancy, the birth however, was horrendous.
I was induced over 3 days. Our son was placed on me quickly then taken away for 2 very long hours. The suction they had used during delivery, had ripped a 10cm long open wound into his scalp. They monitored him in the nursery warning us he was at risk of brain damage. He ticked all the boxes the following day. I grieved those first few hours with him, and it set us up for failure with breastfeeding but I was over the moon to hear he was ok. 5 months later and his head wound finally healed and I started to heal from the whole ordeal aswell.
He was the most chilled baby. I loved becoming a mother. 2 years later we fell pregnant naturally this time. People told us this always happens. Your body now knows what to do after IVF or something along those lines. But what we were about to face was unimaginable. At our 12 week scan the sonographer went quiet and asked me to sit in the waiting room before calling me in for a second opinion. All she told me that she could visibly see some abnormalities. That’s when I knew this wasn’t going to be easy whatever laid ahead for us. I cried the whole 3.5hr drive back home but pulled myself together before seeing our then 2yr old son.
Our scan had shown structural abnormalities and a very high risk for T21 (downs syndrome). I’ll always remember exactly where I stood in the kitchen when my GP rang, confirming that my harmony blood test came back positive for T21. Referred onto the maternal fetal medicine unit, I had an amniocentesis which also confirmed our little boys diagnosis. We had counselling where we had two very hard roads to choose from. There was no ability to take time out and decide, we legally had to decide before I reached 20 weeks' gestation.
It was either a lifetime of operations for our little boy alongside whatever long list of other disabilities he would have, or we would wear the pain deciding to end the pregnancy. I prayed for a miscarriage so we wouldn’t have to make this horrible decision. We also had to decide for our 2-year-old as it would forever affect him aswell. We chose to have a termination for medical reasons.
At 19 weeks' gestation, I was induced. I vomited before heading off to hospital. I was so scared. The contractions were so strong and I fought them so hard. I couldn’t stop apologising to my lovely nurses. I know it was hard for them aswell. I was so scared of holding our tiny stillborn son, but it was so peaceful. What was hard was that I had to take medication to stop my milk coming in.. my body hadn’t even realised what had happened. I will never regret our decision, but I will always feel the guilt.. always.
We named our tiny son Samson. My husband was amazing, but I didn’t have many people to turn to as we kept it quiet fearing peoples reaction. It was such a very lonely way of grieving. It was taboo on top of taboo and I lost 2 friendships due to their religion not aligning with what we chose. I had the loveliest grief support worker from Red Nose, she helped me through some very dark and lonely days. But I’ll forever feel broken for losing Samson.
After dealing with PTSD and getting my mental health back on track, we decided to try again 2 years later and fell pregnant only to have a miscarriage at 8 weeks. I felt nothing. I’m not sure I even cried. I was just so scared of having to hold another tiny tiny baby. Genetic counselling recommended IVF again, using one of our remaining healthy embryos. It worked and our harmony blood test came back normal. Every scan triggered flashbacks and I cried, looking away from the screen for the first few. I had the worst morning sickness and needed a urinary catheter for a week due to urinary retention possibly caused by scarring from endometriosis however I was assured our baby was healthy.
I went into the birth preparing for flashbacks, however I had the loveliest unmedicated birth, delivering our 3rd son. I felt guilty holding this gorgeous and healthy newborn and it affected my bonding with him initially and PPD robbed me of the first few weeks of newborn joy. But I love my boys so much and am so grateful. I will always tell him of Samson. Our eldest son has a toy he looks after for Samson along with a memory tree we planted.
I am yet to meet another person who went through what we did but I know someone out there is in this lonely boat as well. I just hope for those out there who have had a TFMR for whatever reason, know that you chose to wear the pain instead of your baby having to. And unless someone has been in your shoes and faced what you have, they have no right of questioning our choice.
Be kind to yourself like I need to with myself. X
Anonymous