After 4 years, $50 grand, 4 egg collections, 5 miscarriages and 7 transfers with no frozen embryos left, we finally got our beautiful girl.
Pregnancy was scary as I just thought I was going to lose her the entire time, and then when we got our Harmony test, the doctor told us she came back high for an extra sex chromosome and asked us if we wanted to terminate. The news devastated us. However, we did a lot of research and spoke to professionals and decided no matter what, we were keeping her, and we could get a blood test at birth to see if it was accurate—which it wasn’t. So we were worried for nothing.
Once our girl was here, after a very easy-going C-section, she had colic and reflux and wow—I thought to myself, what have I done? Why did I think having a baby was a good idea? Even after the years and everything we went through to get her, I felt so awful and so ungrateful. Which turned into postpartum depression, anxiety, and rage. I was so angry most of the time and cried every day. I couldn’t stop her crying and I didn’t know what to do. Google was my go-to and I tried everything to help her, and really nothing worked except putting her into a bath to calm her down.
I just couldn’t believe this is what it is like to have a baby—why would anyone do this to themselves? When I heard other mums talk about how amazing it is and how they love motherhood, I just couldn’t relate. I felt like there was something wrong with me. Why did I hate this so much?
I still don’t know how I got through it. We didn’t even have family close; we were on our own and it was the hardest thing I have ever done.
When we got to 6 months, her colic settled and the crying stopped. The sleep deprivation was something I would never want to experience again—ever. Again, Google was everything, trying to find a way to get her to sleep. So many different expensive programs, and I never wanted to let her cry it out. I bought so many programs and got a few tips but never followed through with most of them. She ended up being a better sleeper around 9/10 months on her own. I really didn’t do anything other than just be there for her.
I still regret the way I felt and the thoughts I had. I feel like I ruined my journey through motherhood. We won’t be doing IVF again, so I won’t experience having another baby, which I feel sad about. And looking back, I should have relaxed more, but when you’re so far deep into it and also having no sleep, you see no way out.
I can say now, 2 years later, we have the most beautiful, perfect, amazing little girl. I don’t think about the early months much anymore and life is definitely better. Still many hard days, but the good days outweigh the bad. My anxiety has gotten so much better—however, I do rage a bit still haha, but having a toddler is hard work.
xxxxxxxx Anonymous