It's been 5 months of being a mum to two.
I haven't used a single app to track my daughter's feeds, sleep or milestones - and I feel relieved. Maybe it's because I don't have time to think about what she should be doing as opposed to what's actually happening. Or maybe it's becoming a more confident, intuitive mum with hindsight. Or maybe it's just the baby's temperament.
My first postpartum period was far from the perfect newborn bubble.
I was riddled with anxiety. I had a baby who screamed literally 24/7, didn't feed properly and hardly slept. My Huckleberry app constantly reminded me with colour-coded infographics of where my baby sat compared to the "norm."
I can see now that this was hugely unhelpful.
I still remember fiddling with the nipple shield, pressing start on the feed timer, wrangling the baby who had a terrible latch, flicking the shield off, panicking I hadn't pressed stop on the timer quickly enough - because how would I know how long he was on there? - then trying to get the shield back on and start all over again.
Why didn't I just look at the baby in front of me? I didn't need an app to tell me if he was hungry. How could it, when every single baby is so different - and that same baby's needs and wants will change twelve times throughout the day?
My second postpartum experience has been much kinder and softer.
It's been, for the most part, the cringey clichés you hear about. Not because I've done a huge amount differently, but I think it comes down to the temperament of the baby. I've been able to be a more relaxed version of myself (lol, I'm still uptight) and to parent the baby in front of me - largely because she is a far happier, more content baby.
It's a hell of a lot easier to be a cool, calm and collected mum when you've got a cool, calm and content baby.
Mind you, all her day sleeps are in the carrier - hello, hunchback life - and she's fed on demand, sometimes hourly. But I just try to use my logical brain (which has mostly departed since having kids) and run through the checklist in my head: is she tired, is she hungry, does she have a wet nappy, is she bored? I can generally work it out and get us back on track.
I feel quite sorry for my first-time-mum self, but I didn't know any better - and I would never judge a first-time mum, because it's all a learning process, and what works for someone won't work for someone else.
My biggest challenge this time around is navigating the emotions and moods that come with a three-year-old boy.
I feel like I'm in a hostage negotiation every single day, and my reflexes are still not quick enough for when he decides that nice, gentle sibling love is done and it's time for the UFC fighter to come out.
Every day there are tears, and I just keep reminding myself - it's his first time being here and doing this too.
Next ramble will probably be the toddler chronicles and big feelings. See you then.