There’s this weird friendship guilt that creeps in when you become a mum.
Not the obvious kind. Not the “sorry I forgot your birthday because I haven’t slept since 2023” kind.
The quieter kind.
The kind that shows up when you get invited somewhere and your first thought isn’t, "What am I wearing?" It’s:
How far away is it?
Will the baby take a bottle?
When do I need to feed or pump?
What if she screams in the car?
What if I get there and she needs me?
What if I don’t go and everyone thinks I’m using the kids as an excuse?
Because sometimes "just come" isn't just come.
Sometimes it’s a baby who’s teething. A rough few nights. A bottle that still isn't really happening. A toddler who needs you too. A mum who is already running on fumes before she's even packed the nappy bag.
And then there’s the emotional side of it.
Because you don’t want to be the friend who never shows up.
You don’t want people to think you’re flaky.
You don’t want to be the one who always says no.
But at the same time, you’re tired.
Not "I'll grab another coffee" tired.
Deep in your bones tired.
The kind of tired where getting dressed, driving somewhere, making conversation and pretending you’re not exhausted feels like more effort than you have to give.
And the hardest part is knowing old you would have gone.
Old you would have made the effort.
Old you would have driven the distance.
Old you would have stayed for another drink.
Old you would have said yes without thinking twice.
But current you has a baby attached to her, a toddler asking for snacks, washing that never ends, and a nervous system that feels permanently one interrupted sleep away from falling apart.
So when you say no, it doesn’t always feel empowering.
Sometimes it feels sickening.
Sometimes you send the message and immediately want to throw your phone across the room.
Sometimes you know you’ve made the right decision and still spend the next hour wondering if everyone’s disappointed in you.
That’s the people-pleaser in us.
The little voice that whispers,
"What if they think I don't care?"
"What if they think I'm making excuses?"
"What if I've let everyone down?"
But I’m slowly learning that someone can be disappointed and I can still be allowed to have a limit.
I can care about my friends and still not make every catch-up.
I can miss people and still not have the capacity to push through.
I can love my people without abandoning myself just to prove it.
Because I think a lot of mums are quietly trying to prove they’re still good friends while navigating one of the busiest, loneliest, most exhausting seasons of their lives.
We still think about people.
We still send the messages.
We still care.
We just don't always have the capacity we used to.
And maybe friendship looks different for a while.
Maybe it's understanding when someone can't make it.
Maybe it's catching up over a quick coffee instead of a long lunch.
Maybe it's knowing that saying no isn't a reflection of how much someone loves you.
It's just a reflection of the season they're in.
Right now, I'm in the baby-attached-to-me season.
The running-on-fumes season.
The "I wish I could, but I just can't make it work today" season.
I'm still here.
I'm still cheering my friends on.
I'm still thinking about them.
I'm just at capacity.
And maybe that's enough.